Sorry

Sorry for it has been a while since I have posed, I will be back soon.

pol

Cleo Can Suck on It

I don’t know why some small things really upset me. Its usually the little things, as opposed to the major things that get me upset. So I had a good day over all no stress. Doing my normal thing. I had an NA (Narcotics anonymous) meeting tonight. We all kinda took turns reading this flyer, you read a paragraph or so then you passed it on to the next person. Well Cleo found his own copy laying around somewhere and he was following along on his own. It got to my turn and the guy to my left passed it to me and pointed to were he was in the reading, well come to find out he pointed me in the wrong paragraph, no big deal, So I started reading and I heard the confused comments like what? Huh? Then Old Cleo says “What are you reading, read the next paragraph.” I said sorry and went on. Inside this burned me up that he was somewhat rude about it. One I didn’t have my own fucking flyer, like this geek; to follow along the whole time and two, we are supposed to be helping each-other out.  He is the one that is always making comments like we really need to do fellow brother as we would to our self. I know for a fact that this fuck would have gotten upset if I had talked to him this way. How am I supposed to know were we are in the reading if the guy reading before me didn’t even know. I guess its just ignorance. I don’t know if I will go back to this NA meeting next week, I kind of feel unwanted..

I know I’m not supposed to be mean or anything but maybe he has hit the crack pipe one to many times. I guess people can look at me though and same the same thing about a dirty heroin addict.  pol

Lapse in Judgment

Wow! I passed my drug test. Crazy, this is the first time I have ever in my life passed a drug test with out drinking some shit you get at the bong store, or some fake urine you buy with a little heating pad. I can actually say that I am proud of myself. This last month hasn’t been to bad, I have stayed relatively clean. I did have a lapse in judgment and do a perk 15, but that’s it. My test came totally clean, I did smoke some pot about a week and a half ago, but that didn’t show, so I guess i haven’t smoked to much. I really think I am done with that too. I kind of freak out when ever I smoke anymore, I had a full blown panic attack about two months ago when I smoked. I told my doctor what was up and he told me to look at it as a learning experience, and he appreciated my honesty. I thought that was really cool, since he is a brutally honest guy.

Work has been stressing me out lately. We hired this new dude, and he is just not cutting it. I am afraid of what I am going to have to do to him, because he is such a nice guy, I don’t want to fire him, but I really don’t know what else to do. It really takes him three times a long to do everything as the “normal” person would take. Given he has only been there a couple of weeks, but he is progressing very slow. Just though I would get that out there.

 

So I have this disk that has like 400 of my pictures on it. I am finally doing a my space account so I can catch up with some people I went to High school with, Some of these pictures remind me of the good old days, when I had few worries, I was fucked up but didn’t have many worries. We took this trip out to South Dakota. That was the best trip of my life better than any  drugs. The Bad Lands are something everyone should see. I have never seen anything like it. I will try to include a photo if I can. I would really like to go back there someday.

I need to work on managing my frustration. I have no idea were to start. I can keep cool for so long then like a atom bomb I go off. I am typically the most calm, cool and collected person you will meet until I have just had enough. That happened the other day at work, I put a nice size dent into the door of our walk in freezer, I pushed this cart on wheels as hard as I could straight into that son of a bitch. It made me feel better, but I shouldn’t have to do stuff like that to help me feel better.

Music and Bad Parts of Town

I don’t understand why music helps people in so many different ways.  Music is a godsend. I have been thinking about my Ipod lately.  It has been about three months since it has been stolen. My car was broken into while I was at work. At the time I worked in uptown Cincinnati. This is about a block away from a city called Over the Rine. If you have ever seen the movie “Traffic” one third of the movie was filmed in that town. It was the town were the rich kids went to get their heroin. There is a lot of crime there and bad people.  I did feel at times like my life was that movie. I did the same exact thing as those kids did. I even bought dope in some of the exact spots that were shown in the movie.  This movie in no way over estimated the dangers or degree of drugs. It is just like you see in the movie. In some ways I can’t believe I ever went there on a daily basis to buy drugs, but I did. I risked it all for nothing.  In the end I have nothing for it.

I was just thinking about my first Bonnaroo. For those of you who don’t know what I am talking about it is a music festival that happens in Manchester, Tennessee. Http://www.bonnaroo.com . It was 2002 the very first Bonnaroo. My eyes were finally opened for the first time in my life. The culture of jam bands is so unique and I am glad to have been a part of it, other than the drug use. The highlight of my first Bonnaroo was Moe.’s 9 hour set that started at midnight and lasted till the sun came up on Sunday morning. It was one of the most beautiful things I have seen in my life, and I will go to my grave with it.

I think I am going through music withdraw as well, Can you imagine you whole music collection gone in a flash.  I have no back up but, I do have a friend who is willing to help me out once I am able to buy a new pod. Thinking about buying an 160 gig. I think I could fill it up with in a few years. By then I’m sure I will be ready for a bigger one. But for right now I am limited to the few CD’s I have scrounged up. It will get me through. But I can totally go for a phat Umphree’s set right now that I don’t have access to.

I guess the last couple of days have not been so bad. The only thing I can complain about was all the sudden there was a PA put on my Suboxone. Which I learned means that the Doc has to fill out some paper work, the insurance company is questioning weather I need it or not! What do you think? So I have been trying to get a nurse from my doc’s office to call me back for a few days now, I guess I have not been persistent enough.  Well I am going to try to sleep. pol

Bad Dreams

Last night I had a bad dream. I did heroin. About a month ago, this dream would have rocked, a free buzz.  But is really got me off my rocker today. No, I haven’t slammed the shit, but these thoughts keep racing threw my head. I just have to keep fighting them off and know that they will get less and less as time goes on.  The Suboxone definitely helps I don’t know were I would be without it. Maybe dead. I think I caught my illness just in time. I was really about to just throw it all away.  I don’t know what made me go get help when I did, but looking back I didn’t have much longer at the rate I was going. It was truly a very sad situation.  I went to an NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meeting tonight, this helped a little bit. It is definitely nice to meet other people in you same situation. I would have never in a million years thought that this type of therapy would work. Some how it does. It allows you to get stuff off your mind, stuff you could not say to your friends, not because you are embarrassed, because they just don’t understand.  I guess you have to be a full blown addict to understand what another addict is really going threw. I don’t even think my doctor has a clue. I just wish there was something else I could do to make this situation a little better. I don’t know what I am going to do.. pol

Obama, I feel safe with him

So I think I am voting for Obama, Well for today. I was driving today downtown and drove past the Obama HQ for our city. Field office if you want to call it that.  I decided to go in and get a bumper sticker. The way that I felt in there was overwhelming. I felt very welcome and surprised to see no one older than 30. Just maybe Obama is for the people. I’m not saying Clinton is not, but Clinton has had a very privileged life over all, she has been out of the Private sector for I think to long. Has she lost touch with what Americans want.  It just seems she has people telling her what to say. I understand this has to be done as a Poli Sci major myself, but I think Obama may just through of a few ideas on his own, is that not how he got to were he is today?

With all of this politics going on, I have hardly had time to think about myself and my addiction. I am taking my prescribed soboxone as told. I was moved up another 4 mg the other day, seems to have been helping.  Went to a Narcotics Anonymous class tonight. It was cool. I’m one of 3 white people in there so I actually feel very comfortable. I don’t know why, but I just feel safer when I am around black people. I have always gotten along very well with the black race. All I can say is that I have never been ripped off by a black person, whereas I have been ripped by many white people. 

I just need to stay strong these next few weeks, for my health.  I know I can do this.  Any suggestions on things I can do to keep my mind off of Heroin????

 

I looked in the Mirror today!

I looked at myself in the mirror today for a long period, if I had to guess about a half hour. This my friends can really freak you out. Have you ever done this? I may be the only one… You see your pupils dilate and retract. If my case tend then to stay small because of the suboxone. I began to feel depressed. Hundred of thoughts raced threw my brain. Some good but most bad. I would not recommend doing this to any one who’s thinking about it. I felt really bad about myself, ever since then I’ve been down. Are you suppose to feel happy when you do this?  As I starred at myself I thought about my childhood, it was such a wonderful time for me. I was happy care free.  I did not have to worry about bills, work, my health, all that kind of stuff you have to as an adult. I really want to go back to those times for like a year, I would even take six months. To be taken care of, have the attention, people weren’t afraid to talk to you.  Why are adults so afraid to talk to one another.  I work at a restaurant, and besides the hello and thank you, people just don’t want to talk. I try to get them to talk, but they are just weird about it. They seem to feel uncomfortable.  Well I guess this is what I get for looking in the mirror.

Clinton/Politics/Drugs

Had an OK day. Was happy to see Clinton won PA. Very nice!!! Not that I have anything to say bad about Obama, just seems to be a little to preachy. I don’t know. I guess I like the underdog, maybe if Clinton was on top I would be for Obama. Just says a little about my personality. I guess this goes hand and hand with my life.  I’m the underdog in my current situation. The odds are totally stacked in the wrong direction with my opioid dependency. I am doing just as Clinton is doing right now; fighting my ass off!! She said today that you don’t want a president that will give up when times are ruff (Don’t quote me on the exact words she may have said) This utterly makes since.  Would you really want your president to just quit when the kitchen gets to hot.. I have gained a renewed respect for her, that i may have not had if she was not in the current situation.  If I actually had enough money to give to her I would. But late bills I guess take the priority.  Life I guess is not to bad these days. I would have never said such a thing two weeks ago. I would have been ready to just throw it all away.  I feel new, I feel like I can actually matter!!! I FEEL

pol

I may hurt a little

So its been a week and a few days. I am happy to report I am drug free, well except the medication the doctor prescribed me.  It in ways has been easier and in other ways has been harder.  The physicality of it is nothing, no withdraw. The mental aspect has been the hardest. Going to work has been difficult, I always looked forward to going to work messed up, not I really don’t. I feel OK at work and now my work is a little more consistent. It sure beats the fuck out of the days I would go to work on nothing at all. I think those days i would have rather been dead than alive. So in that aspect I am respectfully happy. The cravings I have been getting to do dope have come back at me like a ton of bricks, I called my Dr. today, told them the story and they have decided to up my medication to two whole pills a day, which is 16 mg. (I think this is about the normal dose) I was taking 12mg a day, I started to feel kinda sluggish, just wasn’t myself like I was the first few days. The first four days I was on this medication I was taking 16mg and felt great, I think they wanted to get a high dose in me at first to get it built up.  Does anyone else have any thought on what I need to do to kill this addiction. I went to a NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meeting last week.  It was cool. Lots of crack heads, but they all made me feel welcome enough, I think I may just go back this Wednesday. Until Now peace pol

Semi Life Till Now?

  stupid at 17, willing to try anything. I had no cares no worries, just trying to live the good life as a weezer album once said. This is when the drugs began to take hold. It all started out innocent, taking a couple of vicodin to feel good. This rapidly changed. Before i knew it i was doing dog food. (For the unhip this is heroin) I never though I would be  a junkie. Never could this happen to me, but before i knew it I was a full blown addict. ON 4/10/2008 I said fuck this. I have no money, i always felt like shit, and was close to throwing it all away.  For what? I heard of a drug that you could actually get from a doctor without faking something or making something out worse than it is, that would help you feel better. I though no fuckin way man for real? It was.. Suboxone…. In the last five days I have not used a single big of fuckin dog, or any type of those nasty phmarisutical pill.  Suboxone is a pharmaceutical, but not the nasty kind.  To explain in one sentence; it only partially hooks on to your opioid receptor and last 36 hours, were nasty pharmy’s fully hook and list for 4, then you feel like shit.  In the coming days and years I am going to use this is therapy and hopefully someone will read this besides my friends and not do stupid shit.  To all my friends who I have abandoned the last few years please forgive me you know who you are……… pol