3 am and I’m up again

I sit here up for 20 hrs, this morning I woke up at 3 AM, laying in bed, and I can’t fall back asleep, I want a cigarette.  So I drag myself up and go out and smoke, feel like I am in mild withdraw because I did not take my Suboxone the day before. I smoke then melt a sub, watching breaking bad on my DVR.  I start to feel as if I am not going to puke as the suboxone kicks in and now I get that burst of energy that it gives you.  So I have to work at 7 am, oh shit this is going to be a long day. So I finish watching Breaking Bad; which by the way it is a really great show and I recommend it to anyone its on A&E, kinda a weird station for a show of this nature, but they do a hell of a job with it.

I went to work had to listening to all my employees bitching once again, I had to write the schedule for my whole staff of 35 which is a bitch in itself, you can never make all happy, either they have to many hours or not enough, or don’t want to work certain days.  I really don’t give a fuck at this point I just tell them to deal with it, or find a new job, but of course I take care of my good employee who do a real great job, but even those people are pissed off to be managed by a 26 year old kid. I think they hate me, and are in cahoots with each other. Then I have to leave work at 1 pm to go to a lame meeting an hour away from my store. By this time I am racked, and really don’t want to go, so I do and sleep though half of the meeting,  I have to then go to my uncle’s house who is in a wheelchair, and run some Aron’s for him, which I don’t mind doing other than the fact I am tired.  Its now 11:00 pm, and I have to do laundry (which is in right now) for work tomorrow, the only highlight I can think of is that I don’t have to be at work for 12 hours and I have suboxone so I don’t have to go buy drugs and deal with all of that before work tomorrow.

Its been a year next month since I have taken advantage of my life and got on suboxone, and I still thank god everyday that I am clean. With all this bitching I am doing believe it or not I am still very thankful and very happy that I am in the position I am in with my health and I wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world, well not anything maybe if it comes to the health and life of someone I care about. But there is it nothing else am I going to let get in my way.  I am really excited about going to the Physiologist next week, I think this is going to be a huge benefit for me. Well if any of you have any words of wisdom please share. I can use the help.

 

Take care

pol

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

So I bucked up the other day, I went to a shirk.  I forced myself with everything I had in me, like starting a 15 page report for school to get out of bed and go.  I was so scarred and nervous, I have never been to a shrink before. I didn’t know this guy from Jack.( which incidentally was his name)  You get there give them your 15 bucks, fill our some paper work and look around in the waiting room and wonder what the lady next to you is there for.  There really are a bunch of crazy people in the waiting room.  Kinda scary.  

So I talked to this guy we will call Jack, and he was actually very nice, the first impression of him was great, I got to sit in a recliner that had duck tape strapped around the seem of the seat, I fount this partially odd for no good reason, but it was the first thing I noticed.  I never thought it would be good for me to spill out my feeling to someone who is getting paid to listen to them, but it actually helped, If Jack was pretending to really care he did a good job and that is fine with me.  Told him about my drug abuse of opiates, and all the other drugs I have tried and done which to no surprise filled up a whole page almost, he could hardly keep up.  We then actually talked about ADD and ADHD for some more time. He thought it may be a good idea to talk with my doc. about going back on meds for this, well I am not really excited about this, but may be the best thing for now.  

Then to the problem of why I did drugs he says I am having post traumatic stress disorder, which I really don’t want to talk about at this time, but its kinda crazy, because I never really knew what I was feeling there was actually a term for it.  I have had these reoccurring thoughts in my head about an event that had happen almost like flash backs.  Yea that is the best way I can describe it, you don’t know what it does to people. The thought just keeps repeating itself into your brain and you get this feeling that I really have a hard time describing, it almost eats at your insides and feeling like it needs to come out.  Maybe in the future I can talk about this some more.  Its  just really hard to even relive it in the now, since I am constantly reminded of it subconsciously.  I feel really sorry for the guys and girls that come back from Iraq and Afghanistan, what they see I can’t imagine, but it makes me cry.  I’m a 27 year old dude, with a few friends over there, and most of them rarely talk about it, just like I don’t like to talk about my shit that had happened to me. Its a bummer.

Take care,

pol

I want to be.

I like to ruin photos of people.  They are looking their best think they have the perfect photo then they develop it and they see my ugly mug making a stretched out face with one squinty eye.  Yea I really have a good time doing that. I have had this feeling in my stomach like I don’t really like who I am, something about me wants to change, I yearn to be a better person, a more likable person, a more popular person.  I don’t know why I feel this way, but I hate to answer the phone when one on my friends calls especially if I am with another friend, then I have to make up some lame excuss why I can’t hang out with them, because I am already hanging out with my other friend who runs in a different circle.  This happens to me I would say a couple times a week. Now just think if I were popular how would I handle this situation. I mean honestly sometimes I don’t answer my phone to avoid the situation. So I have been buzzing my hair, I like it and all, but I think I am going to grow it out a little bit, mostly so I can leave it a mess and never comb it.  Do you ever have friends that are just so needy, I do I had to fix his mom’s computer today, but before that I had to get him a sandwich from my work for him and his old bag, then he calls me on my way and ask me to get him a drink, fucks sake man give it a break, I am already waisting 3 hours of my time to fix your mom’s computer, now you want all this bull shit to go with it? He’s like on this medicine right for pain, well that may or may not have been were my problem with opiates started, but anyway, I guess you could say that he has a problem with them too.  I don’t crave opiates now, don’t want them and no need for them, but the fuck knows I have a problem and still offers them to me. But tonight he was out, he ran out of his prescription Early, I’m talkin Early 7 days to be exact.  So you know this fuck I call a friend wants me to find him some pills,  DUDE I’m in rehab for the shit and you want me to go get you pills, that could be the one thing that sets me off my rocker, So I pretend to care and tell him I will try and we both smile at each other and know that, that will never happen.   Then to top it off he wants me to take him to get this taxes done next week, after my physiologist apt., because his wife wreaked the car in Valium raged sleep at the wheel she had the other day into a telephone pole

So I had to go smoke a cig real quick I was kinda getting annoyed at the whole situation. But I’m all better now!

Take care

POL