It’s Who I Am

I’ve heard this quote before; however, it means more to me in the recent past. As a “straight acting” gay guy, I have always been quiet about who I am. I think I may have just realized just that. I am who I am and nothing can change that and people can either like it or not, regardless I can’t change it. I feel like an empty broken bird egg, nothing inside, but something on the outside that resembles something. I have almost to a point grown mad about myself for allowing society to shape who I am. Since I have realized this, I don’t feel that I need to hide who I am. Don’t get me wrong I’m not going to go right out and get a LOGO or a HRC (Human Rights Campaign) bumper sticker and wear a sign on my back letting everyone know. What I have decided is to not deny or lie about who I am any longer. (well maybe except my family for right now) I have not had many instances where people have questioned my sexuality, but I will not any longer continue to mask it or hide it. Stopping heroin has really made me start to feel again. Suboxone has been the tool I was never given to help me realize a few things about who I am. I have been in cognitive therapy (Shrink)  now for over a year, I do think I have had some success with this. I have been to two different doctors (PhD) and this last doctor that I have found has been a life saver. Although my sexuality has not come up, nor have I offered it; however, when it does I will be straight up with him about it. I don’t think I am ready to let the parents know, because I know this is every parents fear. Thank God I have a great set of parents who will love and accept me, and love me unconditionally when I do let them know, I just have not found the right approach yet, and quite frankly I am a little embarrassed about it. Two I don’t want my parents to think of me and sex in the same sentence, it kinda creeps me out. I am sick of denying who I am.

pol

Have you ever looked at your own sex in a sexual way?
(polls)

bills and journey

How pathetic has Journey gotten. They have this mid twenties asian dude singing for them. So it’s him on stage and the rest of the band is in their 60′s, and they are on Oprah. Life I guess is ok, Still on suboxone, was put on vyvance for ADHD, I have been seeing a shrink, but now that my insurance has changed, I need to find a new doc. I hate paying bills, but I guess it is better than buying drugs, at least I have the money to pay the bills, the calls from the collectors have stopped for the most part, and I am thankful, I can actually turn my phone on now. I am caught up on my bills, and my car will be paid off in about 1.5 years. yaaaaaa!

paying bills

pl

Friend to Iraq and Me Off Smack

So, I am sad to say that I have a friend Ryan who will be going to Iraq in just a couple of weeks for his second tour. Its hard to look at another guy and tell them how much you really care about them without sounding gay.  I really don’t care, but it is still awkward.  I pray that he will be looked over.  Its so sad to see him go, you can tell he does not really want to go, but is doing what is asked of him. I wish him the best and I don’t think I will be the same if God forbid he doesn’t come home.  How do people get over situations like this, life changing event like this I just cant imagine and I know it would challenge my sobriety. I really hope he is not there long, I hope none of our boys and girls are there much longer.

I go back to the shrink tomorrow morning. I don’t know how I feel about that, I’m sure I will feel better when I go and get it over with, I did last time.  The chair with the grey tape on it I just can’t get out of my mind. I know I have talked about this before, but this is not rinkydink shrink that I am going to it’s kinda a nice building and a nice office, then you go into the guys office and there is a recliner with grey tape holding it together. Just kind of out of place if you ask me. I don’t hate it, I don’t really like it either, well actually not to be lying I kinda do like it, makes me feel comfortable.  I was to fill out this thing that you have to rank from 1-4 like “do you hear voices?”  I did not do it, I will probably have to rush to do it when I get to the office, but then again how beneficial will that be.

Last post back someone make a comment about how they were 19 and Suboxone did not save them from heroin but Christ did, which is a very remarkable thing.  He asked me if I had been saved and a couple of other thinks. I truly think that if someone can take this into there life and help them out that; that is great. I wrote him back and let him know that I was Jewish or pretty much believe in the Jewish ways, and that I did not look at Christ in the same light as him.  I really hope he did not get offended and also that he doesn’t get the bible out on me about it. I truly respect peoples religion and there right to let people know about it; however it is just not for me.  The thing that has helped me get to were I am is mostly my family and friends and second Suboxone.  My doctor and shrink have given me the tools to go on, and its up to me for the rest.

Take Care,

POL

3 am and I’m up again

I sit here up for 20 hrs, this morning I woke up at 3 AM, laying in bed, and I can’t fall back asleep, I want a cigarette.  So I drag myself up and go out and smoke, feel like I am in mild withdraw because I did not take my Suboxone the day before. I smoke then melt a sub, watching breaking bad on my DVR.  I start to feel as if I am not going to puke as the suboxone kicks in and now I get that burst of energy that it gives you.  So I have to work at 7 am, oh shit this is going to be a long day. So I finish watching Breaking Bad; which by the way it is a really great show and I recommend it to anyone its on A&E, kinda a weird station for a show of this nature, but they do a hell of a job with it.

I went to work had to listening to all my employees bitching once again, I had to write the schedule for my whole staff of 35 which is a bitch in itself, you can never make all happy, either they have to many hours or not enough, or don’t want to work certain days.  I really don’t give a fuck at this point I just tell them to deal with it, or find a new job, but of course I take care of my good employee who do a real great job, but even those people are pissed off to be managed by a 26 year old kid. I think they hate me, and are in cahoots with each other. Then I have to leave work at 1 pm to go to a lame meeting an hour away from my store. By this time I am racked, and really don’t want to go, so I do and sleep though half of the meeting,  I have to then go to my uncle’s house who is in a wheelchair, and run some Aron’s for him, which I don’t mind doing other than the fact I am tired.  Its now 11:00 pm, and I have to do laundry (which is in right now) for work tomorrow, the only highlight I can think of is that I don’t have to be at work for 12 hours and I have suboxone so I don’t have to go buy drugs and deal with all of that before work tomorrow.

Its been a year next month since I have taken advantage of my life and got on suboxone, and I still thank god everyday that I am clean. With all this bitching I am doing believe it or not I am still very thankful and very happy that I am in the position I am in with my health and I wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world, well not anything maybe if it comes to the health and life of someone I care about. But there is it nothing else am I going to let get in my way.  I am really excited about going to the Physiologist next week, I think this is going to be a huge benefit for me. Well if any of you have any words of wisdom please share. I can use the help.

 

Take care

pol

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

So I bucked up the other day, I went to a shirk.  I forced myself with everything I had in me, like starting a 15 page report for school to get out of bed and go.  I was so scarred and nervous, I have never been to a shrink before. I didn’t know this guy from Jack.( which incidentally was his name)  You get there give them your 15 bucks, fill our some paper work and look around in the waiting room and wonder what the lady next to you is there for.  There really are a bunch of crazy people in the waiting room.  Kinda scary.  

So I talked to this guy we will call Jack, and he was actually very nice, the first impression of him was great, I got to sit in a recliner that had duck tape strapped around the seem of the seat, I fount this partially odd for no good reason, but it was the first thing I noticed.  I never thought it would be good for me to spill out my feeling to someone who is getting paid to listen to them, but it actually helped, If Jack was pretending to really care he did a good job and that is fine with me.  Told him about my drug abuse of opiates, and all the other drugs I have tried and done which to no surprise filled up a whole page almost, he could hardly keep up.  We then actually talked about ADD and ADHD for some more time. He thought it may be a good idea to talk with my doc. about going back on meds for this, well I am not really excited about this, but may be the best thing for now.  

Then to the problem of why I did drugs he says I am having post traumatic stress disorder, which I really don’t want to talk about at this time, but its kinda crazy, because I never really knew what I was feeling there was actually a term for it.  I have had these reoccurring thoughts in my head about an event that had happen almost like flash backs.  Yea that is the best way I can describe it, you don’t know what it does to people. The thought just keeps repeating itself into your brain and you get this feeling that I really have a hard time describing, it almost eats at your insides and feeling like it needs to come out.  Maybe in the future I can talk about this some more.  Its  just really hard to even relive it in the now, since I am constantly reminded of it subconsciously.  I feel really sorry for the guys and girls that come back from Iraq and Afghanistan, what they see I can’t imagine, but it makes me cry.  I’m a 27 year old dude, with a few friends over there, and most of them rarely talk about it, just like I don’t like to talk about my shit that had happened to me. Its a bummer.

Take care,

pol

I want to be.

I like to ruin photos of people.  They are looking their best think they have the perfect photo then they develop it and they see my ugly mug making a stretched out face with one squinty eye.  Yea I really have a good time doing that. I have had this feeling in my stomach like I don’t really like who I am, something about me wants to change, I yearn to be a better person, a more likable person, a more popular person.  I don’t know why I feel this way, but I hate to answer the phone when one on my friends calls especially if I am with another friend, then I have to make up some lame excuss why I can’t hang out with them, because I am already hanging out with my other friend who runs in a different circle.  This happens to me I would say a couple times a week. Now just think if I were popular how would I handle this situation. I mean honestly sometimes I don’t answer my phone to avoid the situation. So I have been buzzing my hair, I like it and all, but I think I am going to grow it out a little bit, mostly so I can leave it a mess and never comb it.  Do you ever have friends that are just so needy, I do I had to fix his mom’s computer today, but before that I had to get him a sandwich from my work for him and his old bag, then he calls me on my way and ask me to get him a drink, fucks sake man give it a break, I am already waisting 3 hours of my time to fix your mom’s computer, now you want all this bull shit to go with it? He’s like on this medicine right for pain, well that may or may not have been were my problem with opiates started, but anyway, I guess you could say that he has a problem with them too.  I don’t crave opiates now, don’t want them and no need for them, but the fuck knows I have a problem and still offers them to me. But tonight he was out, he ran out of his prescription Early, I’m talkin Early 7 days to be exact.  So you know this fuck I call a friend wants me to find him some pills,  DUDE I’m in rehab for the shit and you want me to go get you pills, that could be the one thing that sets me off my rocker, So I pretend to care and tell him I will try and we both smile at each other and know that, that will never happen.   Then to top it off he wants me to take him to get this taxes done next week, after my physiologist apt., because his wife wreaked the car in Valium raged sleep at the wheel she had the other day into a telephone pole

So I had to go smoke a cig real quick I was kinda getting annoyed at the whole situation. But I’m all better now!

Take care

POL

Sad?

I think I like to be sad and depressed, I like when people talk down at me sometimes, at work today this customer jumped my shit because the coffee was not ready when he went to get it, so like a 2 minute Wait would have killed him, but yea apparently, he about stroked out. I gave the fuck back his money and pretended to care. The point of this is that I kinda enjoyed him yelling at me, don’t get me wrong I didn’t jump up and down like I scored a bag of dope, but felt content. I don’t know if maybe this has something to do with my problems I have, but I guess I could tell my Physiologist about it, if I would ever go to one.

When I am happy it seems like there is something wrong, I almost feel better when I’m sad.

I love the big fat fucks that come into my work and try to put me out of my game, cause there wife is a bitch or husband, they try to get to me but I won’t allow it, I just smile at them and say I am so very sorry about that.

just a moment

Thinking ten years down the line I can’t think of anything.  It’s blank

There is thiss girl at work April, I see her come in everyday doped up on what I can guess, I remember those days, she does not want anyone to know, but I know all to well. If I could only help her, but I’m her boss, she’s 25 years older than me.

I need to see a shrink, but every appointment I have I don’t go, I’m nervous. 

I was kind of scared to ask my doctor about going back on adderall, he was actually kind of cool with it, I was surprised.

I see these people come in, I wonder what there life has to say, some are mean some are nice, some you can’t really tell, All I know is when I see chair lady come, I run.

I hate being sick, a bad cough, nothing a cig can’t help out right?

I don’t miss my life a year ago, 8 months ago anyway.

 

pol

Does it ever get better?

Wow! what can I really say. These last few months have really sucked. A couple of months ago I had a good friend die. Jason was a really cool dude.  Though he was often moody he had reason for it. I remember about 9 years ago I pretty much lived with this guy. We would smoke pot all day everyday, on Sundays we would do nothing and order delivery and call it “dead beat Sunday” I really miss those days. As we got a little older we did become distant from each other, not that we didn’t like each other our lives moved in different directions. He kept smoking pot and I moved on to heroin. I don’t know what to say is that I really miss him.  It has taken a full month and some more to set in that he is gone. I pulled out the card you get at the funeral and put it in a frame and set it in my room.  I think at this point that I really realized that he was gone.  What I don’t understand is why an event like this would want to make me do drugs?  It has been an uphill battle, I keep plugging away one day at a time. It just seems like everything sucks right now. I didn’t have any money when I was using everyday. Though I have a little more right now, still seems like I have very little. The days seem longer and I don’t seem to be much happier than I did a year ago. I quit going to Narcotics Anonymous, I think I need to find a new group.  The one I was going to sucked. Will my life get better?

POL

Cleo Can Suck on It

I don’t know why some small things really upset me. Its usually the little things, as opposed to the major things that get me upset. So I had a good day over all no stress. Doing my normal thing. I had an NA (Narcotics anonymous) meeting tonight. We all kinda took turns reading this flyer, you read a paragraph or so then you passed it on to the next person. Well Cleo found his own copy laying around somewhere and he was following along on his own. It got to my turn and the guy to my left passed it to me and pointed to were he was in the reading, well come to find out he pointed me in the wrong paragraph, no big deal, So I started reading and I heard the confused comments like what? Huh? Then Old Cleo says “What are you reading, read the next paragraph.” I said sorry and went on. Inside this burned me up that he was somewhat rude about it. One I didn’t have my own fucking flyer, like this geek; to follow along the whole time and two, we are supposed to be helping each-other out.  He is the one that is always making comments like we really need to do fellow brother as we would to our self. I know for a fact that this fuck would have gotten upset if I had talked to him this way. How am I supposed to know were we are in the reading if the guy reading before me didn’t even know. I guess its just ignorance. I don’t know if I will go back to this NA meeting next week, I kind of feel unwanted..

I know I’m not supposed to be mean or anything but maybe he has hit the crack pipe one to many times. I guess people can look at me though and same the same thing about a dirty heroin addict.  pol