Friend to Iraq and Me Off Smack

So, I am sad to say that I have a friend Ryan who will be going to Iraq in just a couple of weeks for his second tour. Its hard to look at another guy and tell them how much you really care about them without sounding gay.  I really don’t care, but it is still awkward.  I pray that he will be looked over.  Its so sad to see him go, you can tell he does not really want to go, but is doing what is asked of him. I wish him the best and I don’t think I will be the same if God forbid he doesn’t come home.  How do people get over situations like this, life changing event like this I just cant imagine and I know it would challenge my sobriety. I really hope he is not there long, I hope none of our boys and girls are there much longer.

I go back to the shrink tomorrow morning. I don’t know how I feel about that, I’m sure I will feel better when I go and get it over with, I did last time.  The chair with the grey tape on it I just can’t get out of my mind. I know I have talked about this before, but this is not rinkydink shrink that I am going to it’s kinda a nice building and a nice office, then you go into the guys office and there is a recliner with grey tape holding it together. Just kind of out of place if you ask me. I don’t hate it, I don’t really like it either, well actually not to be lying I kinda do like it, makes me feel comfortable.  I was to fill out this thing that you have to rank from 1-4 like “do you hear voices?”  I did not do it, I will probably have to rush to do it when I get to the office, but then again how beneficial will that be.

Last post back someone make a comment about how they were 19 and Suboxone did not save them from heroin but Christ did, which is a very remarkable thing.  He asked me if I had been saved and a couple of other thinks. I truly think that if someone can take this into there life and help them out that; that is great. I wrote him back and let him know that I was Jewish or pretty much believe in the Jewish ways, and that I did not look at Christ in the same light as him.  I really hope he did not get offended and also that he doesn’t get the bible out on me about it. I truly respect peoples religion and there right to let people know about it; however it is just not for me.  The thing that has helped me get to were I am is mostly my family and friends and second Suboxone.  My doctor and shrink have given me the tools to go on, and its up to me for the rest.

Take Care,

POL

3 am and I’m up again

I sit here up for 20 hrs, this morning I woke up at 3 AM, laying in bed, and I can’t fall back asleep, I want a cigarette.  So I drag myself up and go out and smoke, feel like I am in mild withdraw because I did not take my Suboxone the day before. I smoke then melt a sub, watching breaking bad on my DVR.  I start to feel as if I am not going to puke as the suboxone kicks in and now I get that burst of energy that it gives you.  So I have to work at 7 am, oh shit this is going to be a long day. So I finish watching Breaking Bad; which by the way it is a really great show and I recommend it to anyone its on A&E, kinda a weird station for a show of this nature, but they do a hell of a job with it.

I went to work had to listening to all my employees bitching once again, I had to write the schedule for my whole staff of 35 which is a bitch in itself, you can never make all happy, either they have to many hours or not enough, or don’t want to work certain days.  I really don’t give a fuck at this point I just tell them to deal with it, or find a new job, but of course I take care of my good employee who do a real great job, but even those people are pissed off to be managed by a 26 year old kid. I think they hate me, and are in cahoots with each other. Then I have to leave work at 1 pm to go to a lame meeting an hour away from my store. By this time I am racked, and really don’t want to go, so I do and sleep though half of the meeting,  I have to then go to my uncle’s house who is in a wheelchair, and run some Aron’s for him, which I don’t mind doing other than the fact I am tired.  Its now 11:00 pm, and I have to do laundry (which is in right now) for work tomorrow, the only highlight I can think of is that I don’t have to be at work for 12 hours and I have suboxone so I don’t have to go buy drugs and deal with all of that before work tomorrow.

Its been a year next month since I have taken advantage of my life and got on suboxone, and I still thank god everyday that I am clean. With all this bitching I am doing believe it or not I am still very thankful and very happy that I am in the position I am in with my health and I wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world, well not anything maybe if it comes to the health and life of someone I care about. But there is it nothing else am I going to let get in my way.  I am really excited about going to the Physiologist next week, I think this is going to be a huge benefit for me. Well if any of you have any words of wisdom please share. I can use the help.

 

Take care

pol

I want to be.

I like to ruin photos of people.  They are looking their best think they have the perfect photo then they develop it and they see my ugly mug making a stretched out face with one squinty eye.  Yea I really have a good time doing that. I have had this feeling in my stomach like I don’t really like who I am, something about me wants to change, I yearn to be a better person, a more likable person, a more popular person.  I don’t know why I feel this way, but I hate to answer the phone when one on my friends calls especially if I am with another friend, then I have to make up some lame excuss why I can’t hang out with them, because I am already hanging out with my other friend who runs in a different circle.  This happens to me I would say a couple times a week. Now just think if I were popular how would I handle this situation. I mean honestly sometimes I don’t answer my phone to avoid the situation. So I have been buzzing my hair, I like it and all, but I think I am going to grow it out a little bit, mostly so I can leave it a mess and never comb it.  Do you ever have friends that are just so needy, I do I had to fix his mom’s computer today, but before that I had to get him a sandwich from my work for him and his old bag, then he calls me on my way and ask me to get him a drink, fucks sake man give it a break, I am already waisting 3 hours of my time to fix your mom’s computer, now you want all this bull shit to go with it? He’s like on this medicine right for pain, well that may or may not have been were my problem with opiates started, but anyway, I guess you could say that he has a problem with them too.  I don’t crave opiates now, don’t want them and no need for them, but the fuck knows I have a problem and still offers them to me. But tonight he was out, he ran out of his prescription Early, I’m talkin Early 7 days to be exact.  So you know this fuck I call a friend wants me to find him some pills,  DUDE I’m in rehab for the shit and you want me to go get you pills, that could be the one thing that sets me off my rocker, So I pretend to care and tell him I will try and we both smile at each other and know that, that will never happen.   Then to top it off he wants me to take him to get this taxes done next week, after my physiologist apt., because his wife wreaked the car in Valium raged sleep at the wheel she had the other day into a telephone pole

So I had to go smoke a cig real quick I was kinda getting annoyed at the whole situation. But I’m all better now!

Take care

POL

Bad Dreams

Last night I had a bad dream. I did heroin. About a month ago, this dream would have rocked, a free buzz.  But is really got me off my rocker today. No, I haven’t slammed the shit, but these thoughts keep racing threw my head. I just have to keep fighting them off and know that they will get less and less as time goes on.  The Suboxone definitely helps I don’t know were I would be without it. Maybe dead. I think I caught my illness just in time. I was really about to just throw it all away.  I don’t know what made me go get help when I did, but looking back I didn’t have much longer at the rate I was going. It was truly a very sad situation.  I went to an NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meeting tonight, this helped a little bit. It is definitely nice to meet other people in you same situation. I would have never in a million years thought that this type of therapy would work. Some how it does. It allows you to get stuff off your mind, stuff you could not say to your friends, not because you are embarrassed, because they just don’t understand.  I guess you have to be a full blown addict to understand what another addict is really going threw. I don’t even think my doctor has a clue. I just wish there was something else I could do to make this situation a little better. I don’t know what I am going to do.. pol