Friend to Iraq and Me Off Smack

So, I am sad to say that I have a friend Ryan who will be going to Iraq in just a couple of weeks for his second tour. Its hard to look at another guy and tell them how much you really care about them without sounding gay.  I really don’t care, but it is still awkward.  I pray that he will be looked over.  Its so sad to see him go, you can tell he does not really want to go, but is doing what is asked of him. I wish him the best and I don’t think I will be the same if God forbid he doesn’t come home.  How do people get over situations like this, life changing event like this I just cant imagine and I know it would challenge my sobriety. I really hope he is not there long, I hope none of our boys and girls are there much longer.

I go back to the shrink tomorrow morning. I don’t know how I feel about that, I’m sure I will feel better when I go and get it over with, I did last time.  The chair with the grey tape on it I just can’t get out of my mind. I know I have talked about this before, but this is not rinkydink shrink that I am going to it’s kinda a nice building and a nice office, then you go into the guys office and there is a recliner with grey tape holding it together. Just kind of out of place if you ask me. I don’t hate it, I don’t really like it either, well actually not to be lying I kinda do like it, makes me feel comfortable.  I was to fill out this thing that you have to rank from 1-4 like “do you hear voices?”  I did not do it, I will probably have to rush to do it when I get to the office, but then again how beneficial will that be.

Last post back someone make a comment about how they were 19 and Suboxone did not save them from heroin but Christ did, which is a very remarkable thing.  He asked me if I had been saved and a couple of other thinks. I truly think that if someone can take this into there life and help them out that; that is great. I wrote him back and let him know that I was Jewish or pretty much believe in the Jewish ways, and that I did not look at Christ in the same light as him.  I really hope he did not get offended and also that he doesn’t get the bible out on me about it. I truly respect peoples religion and there right to let people know about it; however it is just not for me.  The thing that has helped me get to were I am is mostly my family and friends and second Suboxone.  My doctor and shrink have given me the tools to go on, and its up to me for the rest.

Take Care,

POL

I want to be.

I like to ruin photos of people.  They are looking their best think they have the perfect photo then they develop it and they see my ugly mug making a stretched out face with one squinty eye.  Yea I really have a good time doing that. I have had this feeling in my stomach like I don’t really like who I am, something about me wants to change, I yearn to be a better person, a more likable person, a more popular person.  I don’t know why I feel this way, but I hate to answer the phone when one on my friends calls especially if I am with another friend, then I have to make up some lame excuss why I can’t hang out with them, because I am already hanging out with my other friend who runs in a different circle.  This happens to me I would say a couple times a week. Now just think if I were popular how would I handle this situation. I mean honestly sometimes I don’t answer my phone to avoid the situation. So I have been buzzing my hair, I like it and all, but I think I am going to grow it out a little bit, mostly so I can leave it a mess and never comb it.  Do you ever have friends that are just so needy, I do I had to fix his mom’s computer today, but before that I had to get him a sandwich from my work for him and his old bag, then he calls me on my way and ask me to get him a drink, fucks sake man give it a break, I am already waisting 3 hours of my time to fix your mom’s computer, now you want all this bull shit to go with it? He’s like on this medicine right for pain, well that may or may not have been were my problem with opiates started, but anyway, I guess you could say that he has a problem with them too.  I don’t crave opiates now, don’t want them and no need for them, but the fuck knows I have a problem and still offers them to me. But tonight he was out, he ran out of his prescription Early, I’m talkin Early 7 days to be exact.  So you know this fuck I call a friend wants me to find him some pills,  DUDE I’m in rehab for the shit and you want me to go get you pills, that could be the one thing that sets me off my rocker, So I pretend to care and tell him I will try and we both smile at each other and know that, that will never happen.   Then to top it off he wants me to take him to get this taxes done next week, after my physiologist apt., because his wife wreaked the car in Valium raged sleep at the wheel she had the other day into a telephone pole

So I had to go smoke a cig real quick I was kinda getting annoyed at the whole situation. But I’m all better now!

Take care

POL

Semi Life Till Now?

  stupid at 17, willing to try anything. I had no cares no worries, just trying to live the good life as a weezer album once said. This is when the drugs began to take hold. It all started out innocent, taking a couple of vicodin to feel good. This rapidly changed. Before i knew it i was doing dog food. (For the unhip this is heroin) I never though I would be  a junkie. Never could this happen to me, but before i knew it I was a full blown addict. ON 4/10/2008 I said fuck this. I have no money, i always felt like shit, and was close to throwing it all away.  For what? I heard of a drug that you could actually get from a doctor without faking something or making something out worse than it is, that would help you feel better. I though no fuckin way man for real? It was.. Suboxone…. In the last five days I have not used a single big of fuckin dog, or any type of those nasty phmarisutical pill.  Suboxone is a pharmaceutical, but not the nasty kind.  To explain in one sentence; it only partially hooks on to your opioid receptor and last 36 hours, were nasty pharmy’s fully hook and list for 4, then you feel like shit.  In the coming days and years I am going to use this is therapy and hopefully someone will read this besides my friends and not do stupid shit.  To all my friends who I have abandoned the last few years please forgive me you know who you are……… pol